goodbye madrid
19.03.2007., ponedjeljak
ahmmmmm
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probably should have said this a long time ago. i have a new blog, since a lot of people dont understand croatian and dont know how to hell to navigate the page. so, my bullshit is now on http://www.xanga.com/nikamadrid |
05.08.2006., subota
its been a while
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well a couple days ago i wrote this really long blog and then something got messed up, like my line broke or something (they dont consider telephone lines a priority here on the island i guess) so it all disappeared and i was too pissed to re-write it so i dont have a clue what it was about :) soon, time to be saying goodbye again. i will never get used to it, but it gets easier with practice. i dont know, right now, im sick of the beach, its just me and my cousin left here and im bored of it all. i havent even entered the water the past three days. the summer has been nice, though, relaxing. there is nothing quite like home. st louis again in just days. the summer seems too long and too short at the same time. its a little crazy, how when u have 3 months to think about ur life, all the pieces fall into place, and u see it oh-so-much clearer than you ever could with other shit on ur mind. i mean, the biggest problems i face here are weather-related. so i have time to think about shit. i guess the same happens to everyone else facing some sort of problem/decision (this includes people that are a part of my problem/decision). i wish i could say all this thinking brought me to a constructive plan for the future but unfortunately it is impossible to plan anything ahead. i just know im getting ready for a really hard time. im charging my batteries, because im about to face a tough fight with myself...whatever everyone else involved decides. im usually so weak but i cant afford it this time. its time to stand up for myself, even if it means going through some tough shit. one day, i will laugh at it all. hopefully, one day soon :) |
25.07.2006., utorak
in the middle of it
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i got a month left at home and im not sure how i feel about that.. just as i get used to things, i have to leave them and that happens over and over and over and fucking over again. i try not to think about it now, just kinda let things happen. but one of my best friends, a girl i grew up with, left today. i might get to see her before i leave though, so im not too upset about that one. but another friend left this weekend, and i only got to sit with him for about an hour. i wont see him til xmas or maybe even next summer. it never used to be like this, but he moved away too, he lives in spain now, so we dont get much time together. we both try to play it tough, like its no big deal, but thats just an act. we had a little too much to drink and he gave me this hug, this really long and strong hug. and you have to understand that we never touch, like he does not like physical contact. almost made me cry. i think i said, i miss you too. maybe i was too drunk to remember now. i dont think i will ever get used that, saying goodbye i mean. i dont know how long i can still do it for. maybe its good i will be out of college in a year -although most of the time i wish it could last forever - but i need some continuity, live a full year in one place, not have two seperate lives for a while. so as a whole, this summer has been relaxing but not as much fun as my summers usually are. imaybe ts the fact that i only drank that one before mentioned night, i dont know.. and ive been feeling sick all the freakin time lately, i need to have some tests done but i cant till i get home in a month. its prolly something silly, its just frustrating that i feel so weak all the time. on a happier note (for a freakin change, i sound like a depressed person all the time - well, whatever, this is my outlet, thats how its supposed to sound), the thing that has been bothering be for the longest fuckin time..im getting over it. i think this time im REALLY getting over it. like, whatever i hear and find out i cant get truly upset over it anymore. im just like, ok, yeah, whatever. dont even wanna know anymore. i feel free. or at least, more free, freer than before. not a prisoner of love anymore, i guess lol. man, it feels good. |
03.07.2006., ponedjeljak
when ur family meets ur family...
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its been a fun time at home lately...ive been spending weeks in zagreb and weekends at the beach, and its been as unproductive as i could make it - which i always greatly enjoy.. first my sisters old roommate from berlin came to visit and then 3 of my friends from st louis - including my roomie! i just loved having them here, in some ways it felt really weird but in other ways it just feels so right to be around those ppl :) especially vanda, my roomie. it was like introducing family to my family. and to celebrate the great moments of our croatian get-together, we took some pictures that are censored forever, and these times made me decide to quit drinking for the next few months. that was basically today, the Day of Big Decisions. also, day of big shocks, which i guess always kinda stand behind big decisions. it finally occurred to me that ive been wasting my time on something that exists only in my head..ive been putting all this energy into worrying about it and trying to somehow make it...good again, i guess. but today, even though i heard it so many times before, i ACTUALLY heard it, like it processed in my mind. the whole crusade has been a fucking waste. a sad attempt of incredible self-deception that actually worked for a long-ass time. so, ive decided to say fuck it.. im done with this shit. and even if it hurts like hell, and it will probably get worse, im gonna start a new project - making myself a careless individual. everyone else can take care of their own fucking shit, cos im not picking up any more pieces. |
11.06.2006., nedjelja
vienna
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the thing i love about this city is that its all culture by day and all craziness by night. ive been here for a couple days now, visiting my best friend (yeah she doesnt live at home either...go figure). weve been doing nothing in its purest form. shes gotta study but she gets up and does it by the time i get out of bed (with the exception of yesterday when we were still drunk half the next day so there was no way she could) and then we take a little walk and admire the fantastic architecture before deciding on a cafe, and then another one, and then another one... i missed my caffeine. anyway, friday we went out "for a little bit" to a latino club and danced the night away even with my fucked up ankle. all that salsa and reggaeton i felt like i was in st louis, first semester all over again. i was looking around to see if jose was there lol. dont remember last time i was that drunk but we still had a blast. clubbing is fun fun fun in vienna. yesterday was Fete Blanche, a white party (kinda like the one in white chicks, everyone had to wear only white). it couldve been awesome, it was in a museum, huge space, but only two floors, one being house which i hate and the other was all kinds of music... i couldnt wear my bandage cos i dont have a white pair of pants so i was wearing a skirt, so my ankle almost reached the size of a tennis ball again...apparently everyone was right, i WAS supposed to rest the first couple days..it seems like this fucker will never heal. anyway, i couldnt dance like that and marija wasnt feeling it either so we left after like 2 hours. possibly for the best, at least we got out of bed before noon. |
06.06.2006., utorak
withdrawal
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two of my dear friends (who are also brothers and therefore used the same expressions a lot) used to ask me if i was going through withdrawal when i wouldnt see them for a while. "a while" being usually not more than a day. i am totally going through it now, ill be honest.. the day goes by, i sleep long, i meet up with my sister or a friend, we talk, they ask me about st louis and usually something like why the hell did u decide to stay and i give them this whole speech that i just repeat over and over again and i dont even know when or where i came up with it anymore.. its all about school and how im tired of moving, which is true too, but in the end.. remembering how hard last summer was, i thought i was going insane leaving madrid. and i didnt wanna do it again, not yet, not if i can prolong it. so its prolonging the inevitable, but at least i get another year.. the two dear friends from the beginning are probably not coming back and there is a great chance i will never see them again. other dear friends as well, the sad thing about college is that people graduate. that thought, that we might be lost to each other forever, breaks my heart. and for the first time i finally understood at least in part why those two friends from the beginning dont wanna keep in touch... although, from previous experiences, i know the joy of staying in touch with somebody and possibly seeing them again. its not the same, but its not supposed to be. the world is not that big, and in the end its a wonderful, not a painful moment, meeting up with an old friend. im also trying to figure out if it makes any sense to stop being friends with somebody because they are going to leave in a full year... and just disregarding everything that happened before, to protect yourself. i just dont understand how that works, if anyone does, pls explain.... i think it fucking blows and i just hope it doesnt happen to me. |
04.06.2006., nedjelja
home again
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the one thing i learned in st louis is that u always have to try to make the best out of everything...so stl is not supposed to be a major party city - i partied way too hard. and now i come home and im like..OK, i wanna go out. but i have no friends left here and its soooo annoying.. the people i do have here are stuck in their routine i guess and there seems to be no fun place to go to and nothing fun to do. it sucks cos every freakin time before i go home im all excited and then i get here and im like..ok, so this is it? where the hell can i go out in zagreb and actually have a good time? other than that, things have been ok i guess.. trying to adjust to the time difference and become that other person that i am when im home. its kinda weird, almost as if just the language i speak can somehow change me. i feel very different when im home and when im away. i feel a lot less in charge here, which i guess is weird, i should feel more comfortable on my own territory, but i dont. i keep dreaming about st louis, its driving me crazy. its dreams about the future though and in them everything turns out perfect. the more i think about things though the more complicated they become (the more i am aware of all the aspects of the problem) and the more im certain that it is impossible for everything to turn out well. |
30.05.2006., utorak
gotta love it
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gotta love college, especially studying abroad, away from any kind of supervision... all the nights blend into one now, and thats fun. i almost feel sad about leaving. let me rephrase that. right now, in this moment, i do feel sad about leaving. and im so glad...so so so glad im coming back. never would i have thought in a million years.. funny how things work out in the end. if only i knew all along i would come back, so many things would have been so much easier and probably so different.. these last few days have been an ongoing BBQ. the only reason im glad we r not moving closer to school right now is the idea that when we come back we r gonna have another one of those. i guess i couldve stayed up all night sitting on the grass, laughing, talking.. its a beautiful night. but you gotta say goodbye sometime. and im gonna be exhausted anyway, and i figured, if i dont leave now, i will never leave. 3 months, soon enough. am already looking forward to seeing everyone again. i was talking to a friend the other day about the relationships we make, be it friendships or whatever, and the fact that nothing can really be long-term, how we i guess try to time it, we try to see how close we can get to people without getting hurt too bad, and at the same time we need all the love we can get in these strange new places, so sometimes we rush into things and get burned... its the curse of the life we chose i guess.. in spite of it though, and maybe sometimes because of it (because damn it does make u so close to people, u get the kind of friendships u took almost a lifetime to create with ur buddies from home) - i love it. i would not change it for anything in the world. and when people ask me, dont u miss home, dont u wish u stayed, i cant lie... when im away, i disconnect, not think about that.. and i just love love my freaking life. |
28.05.2006., nedjelja
obliged
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i feel obligated to write almost, when i come home drunk after a night of dressels, our neighbourhood bar, when i drink more than anyone ever imagined we could... i just got all these emotions lol. it was a kind of goodbye to mike although not quite cos i will not only see him again, hes supposed to take me to the airport. and if i were religious, id pray for him to come back. cos we get along. we r both assholes, we get along. a funny thing is, i know ppl consider me a bitch and an asshole and they know i can take hearing it from them - even ppl im not close to... but i guess im so much into my role that i dont even freakin see why the hell im a bitch and an ass anymore. maybe ive been playin then part for so long that im nothing more than that? fuck it.. it can be fun. and whoever cat take it, well..i wouldnt be their freakin friend anyway i guess.. i get teased a lot about a topic i dont wanna discuss and i apparently blush... ive always been a bad liar but since i have decided not to hid things from ppl close to me ive been unable to hide anything from anyone apparently... although truth be told there isnt much to be told, events-wise.thank god lol. |
21.05.2006., nedjelja
the show must go on
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inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking but my smile still stays on |